I am what i am...

I just… I can’t do this.

I thought I was strong, but apparently not.

Take that as you will- I’m sick of explaining myself…

I have weird mood swings. I don’t like it.

I’m pretty sure that after certain events that I need to get out of the way, I’m just going to be done with people.

It’s like, I’ve always tried to do my best to be what people want me
To be. I’m not saying I’ve succeeded at that, because I haven’t, it’s damn hard living up to people’s expectations. But I’ve always tried to do the ‘giving everyone a chance’ and ‘being there for everyone’ thing. It might not always be obvious because all my life I’ve used sarcasm and bitchy joke comments as a defence, because it’s all I’ve ever known.

Now the point is, no matter how I try, it’s not good enough. For my friends or my family. Money/care/love etc. means jack shit in this world, because everybody is the same. They’re all just selfish arseholes trying to take whatever they can get. Don’t get my wrong, I’m no angel, but I feel like I give quite a lot more than some people I know and receive a lot less back. I’m sick of giving what I can to people and it being misinterpreted as something bad. I can count on one hand the people I have a mutual respect/love etc. relationship with.

People misunderstand how I am. They accuse me of things that I haven’t done and because I don’t retaliate in the right way, they win. I’ve been kicked down and beaten up in the street before because I just wouldn’t hit them back. And just, being me has led me nowhere in life, even though it’s all people are ever telling you to be. I guess I just had the wrong role models.

I’m not going to lie now- people say I’m dramatic and all this, but thats all just a cover, when I say I don’t want to be here anymore, I’m not kidding. As Robbie Williams once said ‘I don’t want to die, but I ain’t keen on living either’ - call me a drama queen, whatever.
I guess this is just part of being a ‘teenager’.

But back to the main point- because I always drift off of the topic- reading this back, it probably makes no sense to anybody except me, but hey Ho.. Maybe they don’t need to understand. I think I’m pretty much done now. The way I feel towards people and everyday things sucks. I just hate everything. I wake up in the morning and try my hardest to go back to sleep. I’m not a quitter- anybody that knows me will tell you that, but right now… I just want to give up.

Been listening to Westlife today, seems to agree with me when I’m ill :’) god knows how!
But yeah, I’m tired. Feel sick. Tired. Feel sick. Head pain. Chest pain. And it just kind of goes round like that!
So yeah, all I want to do is sleep, go home to my bed and my nan and sleep, but I cant. So I guess I’ve just got to suck it up and do it…

Ack. Can’t be dealing with life right now. It just needs to stop for a while.

I wanted to write some real deep post about things that are going on, and then send it to somebody so they understood, but really… i just cant be bothered anymore… I’m so lazy!!!

One of the only problems with having my friends/the people I depend on all being older than me is that i know they wont depend on me when they need to.

I really don’t know why i stopped listening to them for a while…

I think I just listened to the same songs too much an got bored of them…

But i’m back listening, and I love them! <3

Thats a nickelback song for those that don’t know ^

A friend posted it and i got the urge to listen, and then it got me thinking… So if you hate nickelback, i wouldn’t read this, i will be quoting their lyrics…

‘If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?’

Well, no, actually. I’m not going to lie- when I’m laying in bed at night unable to sleep I always think of something i could have done differently, something i regret, something i could have resolved etc.. I’d love to go to bed one night knowing that, if i died that night I would be okay, and so would everybody around me but i dont think that will ever actually happen. There’s too much in your life you could dwell on, but you shouldn’t. For the sake of your own happiness you should just let go of all the negatives and grab some positives along the way.

I’m rambling like I always do! The point I was going to make is that I’m not a nice person. I’ve never claimed to be and I will admit to my faults, even if other people brush them away. I hate who I am, I really do and every so often I’ll tell myself a list of things I have to do to become a better person. For example, be more patient with people, take other peoples feelings into account in everything i do, be less judgemental (not that i’m very) but these are just examples.. I act on these things and hope that they will slowly change me into the person I want to be but something always pulls me back to who I used to be, so I scrap the list for another couple of months until I have the strength and patience to try again.

You can’t change who you are.

On this note, the next song just added to the moment…

‘Just one more moment, that’s all thats needed. Like wounded soldiers, in need of healing. Time to be honest, this time I’m pleading. Please don’t dwell on it, cause I didn’t mean it.’ 

See here’s the thing. I always manage to destroy things without realising how- one day everythings fine and the next everythings broken. I can’t help it, i wish i could. And the thing is- those that know me well enough know not to take anything I say/do seriously when I get in one of my moods, but not many people know me to that extent, and they take offence. I can tell you now, if i’ve ever said anything hurtful, i dont mean it. It’s just who I am. Most of the time I’m joking around. But I see the world and everyone in it for what they truly are, and I can’t help but to have my opinions on it, even if they do hit somebody where it hurts. There is nobody in this world that hasn’t caused some kind of pain in their lives, it’s impossible not to, even if they’re doing it unintentionally. I’m just brave enough to admit it.

When I say ‘my moods’ I mean the mood in which I can barely control myself… Right now I’m okay, I’m not in one of them moods, i feel content and I’m aware of what I’m saying, hence why I can write so much shit. But when I get in one of my bad moods it’s almost like I don’t know what I’m saying/doing. I feel so alone and in my head everybody hates me, so they don’t deserve nice words. I’ve written somebody a massive paragraph before in an argument, then woke up the next day not even understanding why/what/when/where etc. I’ve also insulted somebody, in my head it was in a joking way, then snapped out of it five minutes later and continuously apolgized for the next half hour because it was harsher than intended. I regret these things but I can’t explain to people how my head works, even writing it now makes no sense and it’s hurting my head to try and explain :’) People probably wont even believe this because writing it down sounds insane…

But hmm one last lyric…

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there, Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Someone to love with my life in their hands, There’s gotta be somebody for me like that. Cause nobody wants to do it on their own and everyone wants to know they’re not alone. There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere. There’s gotta be somebody for me out there.’

I don’t know why these lyrics caught my attention but I’ll explain anyway. I don’t think this ‘somebody’ in the song refers to a guy/girl in a relationship. I think it just means somebody that you can put your trust in, somebody that understands you and is similar to you in many ways. They don’t necessarily have to be romantically entangled with you, they could be your best friend. I know somebody right now who could have been my twin seperated at birth (even though we’re different ages :S) but they are really similar to me, and whether we’ll still be friends in like 5 years remains to be seen but the fact that there’s this person I can relate to is great. I’d reccomend everybody to keep their eyes open, ready for this person to jump into their lives.

But yeah, I’ve completely gone off of my original point into analysing lyrics xD force of habit… I’ve listened to loads of their music now, but here’s the lyrics sticking out of the last song i listened to…

‘Why the hell don’t you throw yourself away…’

Here’s why not:

- People care about you, even if you don’t think they do. For example I will always care about anybody I know, no matter what mood I’m in or what the status of our relationship is.

- Things will look up, there is always that ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ even if you’re too far away to see it yet. It could take you days, weeks or months. Maybe even years.

- You’re here for a reason. Even if you’re one of those people that hates everything in life, you’ll find a purpose one day.

- Finally, ‘throwing yourself away’ would be stupid. This may not be the most grown up statement I’ve made, but it would be. You shouldn’t let lifes troubles pull you down.

Now when read back, I don’t think this will make sense to anybody apart from me, but hey, it could somebody- even if it’s the future me reading back at what I used to be like :’) So yeah… ciao for now! <3